How to Write a Eulogy: A Step-by-Step Guide with Examples

A eulogy is a speech given at a funeral or memorial service that honors the deceased. If you’ve been asked to give one — or have decided to write one — the task can feel overwhelming. You’re being asked to capture a person’s life in a few hundred words, while you’re also grieving them. This guide walks through how to do it well.

What a Eulogy Should Do

A good eulogy:

• Honors the person who died — celebrates who they were
• Helps the audience grieve together — gives words to shared loss
• Tells the truth about them — without idealizing them into someone they weren’t
• Includes specific memories that make the person feel present
• Acknowledges the loss without dwelling exclusively on it
• Provides some sense of closure or perspective
• Lasts about 5-10 minutes when spoken aloud (roughly 700-1,500 words)

A good eulogy is not:

• A biography or chronological resume
• A list of accomplishments
• Generic praise that could describe anyone
• An idealization that sanitizes the person
• A platform for the speaker’s grief at the expense of the audience’s

Step 1: Start Collecting Material

Before you write a word, gather:

Stories and memories

Write down memories of the deceased without filtering. Include: – Funny moments – Touching moments – Times they helped someone – Their distinctive quirks – Their favorite expressions or phrases – Their hobbies, passions, obsessions – The way they laughed, drove, told a joke

Don’t worry about whether something is “appropriate” yet. Just collect.

Ask others for stories

Talk to family members, longtime friends, coworkers. Ask: – “What’s your favorite memory of [Name]?” – “What will you miss most about [him/her]?” – “What made [him/her] [him/her]?” – “What did [he/she] mean to you?”

You’ll likely uncover stories you didn’t know — moments that capture the person in ways your own perspective doesn’t.

Their own words

If the deceased had favorite expressions, quotes, philosophies, or things they always said — capture those. Quoting them in their own words is one of the most powerful things you can do in a eulogy.

Their facts

Basic biographical information: – Where they were born and when – Where they lived – Education and career – Marriage and family – Significant achievements – Causes and passions

You won’t include all of this; you need to know it.

Step 2: Find the Central Theme

A good eulogy has a center — a unifying idea about who this person was. Not a list of traits. A single defining truth.

Some examples:

• “She was the person who showed up. For everyone. Always.”
• “He never met a stranger.”
• “He taught us that the small acts of kindness add up to a whole life.”
• “She made every room she entered warmer.”
• “He was who he said he was — every day.”

This central theme becomes the spine of the eulogy. Every story you include should relate back to it.

To find your central theme, look at the stories you’ve collected. What pattern do you see? What is the through-line? What was the essence of this person?

Step 3: Write a Strong Opening

The opening sets the tone. A few approaches that work:

A specific memory

“The last time I saw my grandmother, she was eighty-six years old and trying to convince me that I should learn to make her piecrust. She had been making it for sixty years. She had a recipe somewhere. She didn’t need it.”

A direct statement

“My father was the kindest person I have ever known. That is the most important thing I want to say today.”

A characteristic phrase or saying

“My mom had a phrase she used about a hundred times a day: ‘Well, that’s just the way it is.’ I never quite knew if she found this comforting or exhausting. I think now she found it both.”

A specific quality, named

“What I want to talk about today is my brother’s particular kind of stubbornness. It’s the kind of stubbornness that built things. That fought for people. That refused to give up. That, in the end, was the best thing about him.”

Avoid generic openings: – “We’re here today to remember [Name]…” — everyone knows why we’re here – “It’s hard to believe [Name] is gone…” — too vague – “[Name] was a wonderful person…” — every eulogy says this; what made them wonderful?

Step 4: Tell Three or Four Specific Stories

The heart of a eulogy is specific stories. Not summaries. Not lists. Stories.

For each story: – Set the scene briefly (when, where, who was there) – Tell what happened in concrete detail – End with what it reveals about the deceased

Choose stories that: – Are short enough to tell in 1-3 minutes each – Reveal something specific about the person – Connect to your central theme – Are appropriate for the audience (some stories are family-only; others can be shared with anyone)

Three or four stories is the right number. More feels like a list; fewer feels thin.

Step 5: Include Some Truth, Not Just Praise

The best eulogies don’t idealize. They acknowledge the full person, including the parts that were complicated. This makes the praise that follows feel earned.

Examples of “truthful” inclusions: – “He was stubborn. He could be impossible. He once didn’t speak to his brother for two years over a parking spot. But…” – “She worried. About everything. She worried even when there was nothing to worry about. We teased her for it. We also loved her for it.” – “He was not a saint. He had a temper. He could be sharp. He was also, in the moments that mattered, the most reliable person I knew.”

This honesty creates trust with the audience. They can hear what you say next.

Note: there’s a difference between honest and exposing. Don’t share things that would embarrass the family, the deceased, or anyone present. Personal struggles, mental health, addictions, past secrets — these are usually not appropriate for a public eulogy.

Step 6: Close With Meaning

The ending of a eulogy is what stays with people. Some approaches:

A direct expression of love and loss

“I love you, Dad. Thank you for everything. We will miss you every day.”

A return to the theme

“She showed up. For all of us. Always. The least we can do — the very least — is keep showing up for each other in her name.”

A call to action

“He believed that small kindnesses changed the world. Let’s prove him right.”

Their own words

“My grandmother used to say, ‘Just keep going.’ I think she was talking about pie crust. I think she was talking about everything. Just keep going. We will, Grandma. We will.”

Avoid: – “And so we say goodbye…” — flat – A long list of farewells to specific people — keep it tight – Religious framings that don’t match the family’s beliefs

Step 7: Practice Out Loud

Read your eulogy aloud at least three times before the service. Pay attention to:

• Length — time yourself. Aim for 5-10 minutes.
• Pacing — slow down. Most speakers race through eulogies. You don’t need to.
• Emotional moments — note where you might cry. Don’t try to suppress; just know what to expect.
• Stumbles — phrases that don’t read well aloud. Rewrite them.
• Hard words — names you might forget, dates you might misremember. Write them clearly.

Delivering the Eulogy

Before you speak

• Have a paper copy in front of you (not just on your phone — phones die)
• Print in large font you can read through tears
• Bring tissues
• Bring water
• Have a backup speaker arranged in case you can’t continue

During the eulogy

• Speak slowly
• Look up periodically — make eye contact with friends and family
• Pause when emotion comes — it’s fine
• Don’t apologize for crying — everyone understands
• Take a breath if you need one

If you can’t continue

This happens. If you can’t finish, the backup speaker can take over. Or someone can read the rest. There is no shame. The fact that you tried means everything to the family.

Eulogy Templates by Relationship

For a parent

“My [father/mother] taught me [specific lesson or quality]. He/She did it through [specific stories — 2-3]. He/She was [specific qualities]. He/She loved [specific people, hobbies, or causes]. He/She would have wanted [specific gesture or remembrance]. I will miss [specific thing] the most.”

For a spouse

“[Spouse’s name] and I have been married for [number] years. The most important thing I want to say today is [central theme]. [Two or three stories.] He/She made me a better person. He/She made all of us better. I will love him/her every day of my life.”

For a child (for parents speaking)

This is one of the hardest eulogies. Consider:

“[Child’s name] was [age]. We had him/her for [time]. In that time, [he/she] [specific qualities, moments]. He/She was loved every single day. [Specific memory or quality.] We are heartbroken. And we are grateful for every minute we had with [him/her].”

For child eulogies, shorter is often better. Even 3-5 minutes is enough. Lean on a co-speaker (the other parent, an aunt/uncle) for support.

For a sibling

“My [brother/sister] [Name] and I grew up [specific shared context]. [He/She] taught me [something specific]. [Two or three stories that capture them.] We will never have another sibling like [Name]. The world is smaller without [him/her].”

For a close friend

“[Name] was my friend for [number of years]. [Specific story about how you met or became close.] [Two or three stories.] [He/She] showed me what friendship looks like. I will carry [him/her] with me always.”

For a grandparent

“My grandmother/grandfather was [central quality]. [Specific memories — often the kind that grandchildren have, distinctive from those parents have.] [He/She] taught me [something specific]. The world had [Name] in it for [number] years. We were lucky.”

Common Mistakes to Avoid

• Reading too long — keep it under 10 minutes
• Making it about you — the eulogy is for the deceased and the audience, not for the speaker’s grief
• Including inappropriate stories — embarrassing the deceased or family
• Generic praise — say what was specifically wonderful about THIS person
• Comparison to others — “He was better than…” — no
• Religious framings the family doesn’t share — match the family’s beliefs
• Apologies for being unprepared — even if true, don’t say it
• Reading word-for-word from the page — look up; make eye contact
• Trying to be funny when you’re not — let humor arise naturally from stories
• Inside jokes nobody else gets — the audience needs to be able to follow

A Final Practical Note

If you’re being asked to give a eulogy and don’t think you can, that’s okay. You can:

• Decline gracefully — the family will understand
• Write something for someone else to read
• Co-write with another family member who’ll deliver it
• Give a shorter contribution rather than the main eulogy

Don’t agree to do it and then fail to prepare. Either do it well or pass it to someone who can.

A Final Thought

The eulogy is the moment where one person stands up and says, “This is who they were. This is what we have lost. This is what we will carry forward.” It is one of the most important things you can do for someone you loved.

Take it seriously. Spend the time. Tell specific stories. Be honest. Speak slowly.

Then sit down. The family will remember it for the rest of their lives.

For related guidance, see our obituary writing guide, our funeral etiquette guide, or our guide on what to do when someone dies.