What to Send to a Shiva House (and Why Flowers Usually Aren’t It)

If someone you care about is sitting shiva, the best things to send are food, a donation in the person’s memory, or a heartfelt note. Flowers are generally not part of Jewish mourning customs, so they are usually not the right gift for a shiva house.

This guide explains what shiva is, what to send, how to handle kosher food, and what to say when you visit.

What Is Shiva?

Shiva is the seven-day mourning period that begins right after a Jewish burial. The immediate family (parents, children, siblings and spouse of the person who died) stays home and receives visitors. Friends and community come to comfort them, bring food, and join in prayer services held in the home.

Practice varies. Orthodox families usually observe the full seven days with traditional customs. Many Conservative and Reform families sit for fewer days, sometimes only one to three. The obituary or funeral announcement usually says where and when the family is receiving visitors.

Why Not Flowers?

Flowers are not customary at Jewish funerals or during shiva. Mourning is meant to be simple and focused on the person who died and the family’s grief, and flowers are more associated with celebration. Some less traditional families will not mind, but sending flowers risks feeling out of step with the tradition. Food or a donation is the safe and meaningful choice.

Plants are sometimes sent, but the same caution applies. If you are unsure, choose food.

What to Send

Food

This is the classic shiva gift. The mourners are not supposed to cook or host, and they will have a steady stream of visitors. Good options:

• Platters of bagels, spreads, salads or cold cuts from a kosher deli
• Baked goods: rugelach, babka, cookies, cakes
• Fruit baskets or cut fruit
• A prepared dinner for the family on a specific night, coordinated with whoever is organizing meals
• Paper goods: plates, cups, napkins and cutlery save the family a lot of work with a house full of visitors

A donation in the person’s memory

Giving to charity, called tzedakah, in memory of the person who died is a deeply Jewish way to honor them. The obituary often names a preferred charity. The charity will usually send the family a note saying a gift was made in their loved one’s name.

A condolence card or letter

Always appropriate. A specific memory of the person is the most comforting thing you can write.

Kosher Food: How to Get It Right

If the family keeps kosher, homemade food is usually not something they can use, even if you mean well, because a kosher kitchen has strict rules about ingredients and preparation. Instead:

• Buy from a certified kosher bakery, deli or caterer. Look for a kosher certification symbol on the packaging or ask the store.
• Keep it sealed. Leave packaging closed so the family can see the certification.
• Do not mix meat and dairy in the same gift. A dairy platter (bagels and spreads) or a meat platter, not both together.
• When in doubt, ask the person coordinating meals, or send a gift card to a kosher restaurant that delivers.

If the family does not keep kosher, any thoughtful food is welcome.

Timing

• Shiva starts after the burial, often the same day.
• Do not deliver on Shabbat. Shabbat still counts as one of the seven days, but public mourning is set aside from Friday sundown to Saturday nightfall, and observant families will not accept deliveries then. Aim for a weekday delivery during daytime hours.
• Check the schedule. The family may announce specific hours for visitors and prayer services.

What to Say When You Visit

• Let the mourner speak first. Traditionally, visitors wait for the mourner to start the conversation. It is fine to simply sit with them.
• Talk about the person who died. Sharing a memory is one of the most comforting things you can do.
• A traditional phrase said when leaving a shiva house is: “May God comfort you among the other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.” In Hebrew, HaMakom yenachem etchem b’toch sh’ar avelei Tziyon v’Yerushalayim. It is fine to say it in English, or simply “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
• Keep the visit short unless the family clearly wants you to stay.

What to Write on a Card

“I am so sorry for your loss. May [Name]’s memory be a blessing.”

“Thinking of you and your family during shiva. I will always remember [a specific memory].”

“May their memory be a blessing” is a traditional Jewish expression of sympathy and is appropriate from anyone.

A Final Practical Note

For a shiva house, think practical and quiet: kosher food if the family keeps kosher, a donation in the person’s name, and a few kind words. If you only do one thing, show up for a short visit and share a memory of the person. That is what the family will remember.

For more on flowers and Jewish mourning, see our guide to Jewish funeral and shiva flowers. For food gift ideas, see sympathy gift baskets.