Jewish Funeral Flowers & Shiva Etiquette: What to Send (and What Not To)
If you’re trying to send a thoughtful gesture to a Jewish family in mourning, the most important thing to understand is that flowers are not the traditional choice — and in some Jewish communities, are explicitly not welcome. This isn’t because flowers are inappropriate as a gesture; it’s because Jewish funeral tradition emphasizes simplicity, community presence, and tangible support for the bereaved over decorative tributes.
Understanding this tradition takes a few minutes. With that understanding, you can make a gesture that is genuinely received well rather than one that — however well-intentioned — feels out of place.
The Basic Tradition
Jewish funerals (levayot) are characterized by simplicity. The body is buried in a plain wood casket. The service is short and focused on the deceased. There are no displayed flowers at the service itself in Orthodox or Conservative traditions, and most Reform services follow the same convention.
After the funeral, the immediate family observes shiva — a seven-day mourning period at the family’s home where mourners receive visitors, share memories, and are supported through practical help.
The traditional gestures for both phases focus on:
- Food — meals brought to the family during shiva
- Visiting — being physically present at the shiva house
- Charitable donations in the deceased’s name to a meaningful cause
These three categories will always be appropriate. Flowers, even when intended kindly, often won’t be.
Why Flowers Aren’t Traditional
There are a few overlapping reasons:
- Simplicity is the value. Jewish mourning tradition emphasizes that all are equal before death. Elaborate floral tributes are inconsistent with that principle.
- Cut flowers symbolize cut-short life. In some traditions, sending cut flowers to a mourner is seen as a reminder of the loss in a way that feels insensitive.
- Practical support is preferred. During shiva, the family is not cooking, not running errands, and not engaging with the outside world. Food and meal delivery is more useful than flowers.
- Charitable giving (
tzedakah) is the meaningful gesture. A donation in the deceased’s name is considered a substantive memorial — it accomplishes good in their name rather than being purely decorative.
What to Send Instead of Flowers
These are the gestures that will always be welcome in a Jewish household in mourning.
Food and meal baskets
The most universally appropriate gesture. The family will be hosting visitors for seven days and is not cooking. Options:
- Kosher gift baskets (if you’re not sure of the family’s kosher observance, send kosher — it’s the safe default for all levels of observance)
- Pre-made meal trays delivered via a kosher caterer
- Fruit baskets (always kosher, always appropriate)
- Sweet baskets (cookies, pastries from a kosher bakery)
- Coffee and tea with light accompaniments
Many Jewish communities have catering services that specifically deliver shiva trays. Search for “shiva meal delivery [your city]” or ask a friend in the community.
Charitable donations
A donation in the deceased’s name is one of the most traditional and meaningful Jewish memorial gestures. Many Jewish charities — including the deceased’s home synagogue, Israel-related causes, Jewish education, hospitals, and Hadassah (the women’s Zionist organization) — accept memorial donations and will notify the family.
If the obituary names a specific charity, send your donation there. If it doesn’t, options to consider:
- The deceased’s home synagogue
- Hadassah (hadassah.org)
- Magen David Adom (mdais.org) — Israel’s national emergency service
- Hebrew Free Loan societies in the family’s city
- A cause the deceased was personally passionate about
Sympathy plants (sometimes appropriate)
In Reform Jewish families and in some Conservative households, living plants sent to the home are appropriate, though they are NOT sent to the funeral or visible parts of the shiva. Plants signify continuing life rather than cut-short life and avoid the symbolism issue with cut flowers.
A peace lily or a small living arrangement, sent a few days into shiva or shortly after, can be welcome. If you are not sure whether the family would welcome this, default to food.
A handwritten condolence note
Always appropriate. A real letter, hand-addressed and sent during or shortly after shiva, is a quiet meaningful gesture that lasts long after the casseroles are gone.
When Flowers ARE Sometimes Acceptable
In some Reform Jewish families, particularly those who are less observant, flowers are accepted and even welcomed. If you know the family well and know they would welcome flowers, then they are appropriate.
When in doubt, the cleanest test is: what does the obituary or the funeral notice say about flowers?
- If it says “in lieu of flowers, donations may be made to…” — send a donation, not flowers
- If it says nothing about flowers — default to food, donation, or a sympathy plant
- If it explicitly invites flowers (rare in Jewish notices) — flowers are appropriate
If you must ask, ask a mutual friend in the community rather than the family directly during their mourning.
What to Bring (and What to Avoid) at Shiva
If you are visiting a shiva house, a few practical etiquette notes:
Bring: food (especially kosher if the family observes), a memory of the deceased to share, the willingness to sit quietly. Visiting shiva is more about presence than conversation.
Avoid: flowers (do not bring cut flowers to the shiva house, even as a personal gesture). Don’t expect to be entertained. Don’t ask the family how they’re doing in a way that requires a polite answer. Let them lead the conversation. Allow silences.
The traditional greeting to a Jewish mourner is “May the Omnipresent comfort you among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem,” often translated as “May their memory be a blessing” in modern usage. Simply saying “I’m so sorry for your loss” is also appropriate and warm.
Timing
- The funeral itself typically happens within 24-72 hours of death, per Jewish tradition. Food and visits during this period are appreciated but can also feel overwhelming for the family.
- Shiva lasts seven days starting after the burial. Most food deliveries and visits happen during this period.
- Sheloshim is the 30-day mourning period after burial, during which the family slowly returns to normal life. Continuing gestures of support during this time are valued.
- The first year is a longer mourning period, especially for the loss of a parent. A small gesture on the anniversary of the loss (the yahrzeit) is meaningful for close relationships.
What to Write on a Card
Jewish condolence cards traditionally use the phrase “May their memory be a blessing” (often abbreviated z”l in writing, from zichrono livracha).
A simple appropriate message:
“[Family member] — I was so sad to hear about [Name]. May their memory be a blessing. Thinking of your family during this difficult time. — [Your name]”
For close friends or family:
“[Family member] — [Specific memory of the deceased, even a small one]. May [Name]’s memory be a blessing to you and your family. I’m here for whatever you need. — [Your name]”
Avoid phrases like “they’re in a better place” or anything that imposes a specific theology about the afterlife. Jewish tradition is more focused on the legacy of the deceased and the support of the living than on speculation about what happens after death.
A Final Practical Note
If you are not Jewish and you’re worried about getting this right, you almost certainly will. Jewish families understand that their traditions are not universal, and they receive gestures from non-Jewish friends with grace and appreciation. A thoughtful, simple gesture — food, a donation, a real letter — will always be welcomed.
The thing that won’t be welcomed is no gesture at all because you were worried about getting it wrong. Make the gesture. Make it simple. Make it sincere.
