How to Support Someone Who Is Grieving: A Long-Term Guide

Most support for a grieving person arrives in the first 48 hours after a death and then quickly fades. The flowers stop. The casseroles taper. The phone calls slow down. And meanwhile, the grief itself is just getting started.

If you want to be a friend, family member, or coworker who actually helps someone through a loss — not just for a day, but for the long haul — this guide is for you. It covers what to do in the first week, the first month, the first year, and beyond.

The Most Important Principle

Most grieving people don’t need you to fix their grief. They can’t be fixed. The loss is permanent.

What they need is presence. Someone who shows up. Someone who keeps showing up. Someone who doesn’t disappear when the funeral ends.

Showing up isn’t dramatic. It’s a text message on a Tuesday. It’s remembering the anniversary. It’s saying the deceased’s name out loud months after everyone else has moved on. It’s continuing to be there.

The First Week

In the first week after a death, the bereaved is in shock and overwhelmed. Practical support is more useful than emotional support during this phase.

Do

• Send flowers, a sympathy plant, or a card acknowledging the loss
• Drop off food — specifically, food that doesn’t require effort to eat. Casseroles, soup, sandwich platters, fruit.
• Run practical errands — grocery shopping, pet care, mail pickup, childcare for surviving children
• Help with funeral logistics if asked — picking up out-of-town family at the airport, coordinating with the funeral home
• Sit quietly with them if they want company. Don’t fill silence.
• Text without expecting reply — “Thinking of you. No need to respond.” gives them permission to not perform.
• Be specific in offers — “I’ll bring dinner Thursday at 6pm. No need to reply.” Not vague offers.

Don’t

• Ask “how are you doing?” repeatedly. The answer is bad. Don’t make them say it.
• Offer vague help — “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.” This puts work on them.
• Try to find silver linings — “At least they…” Almost any sentence that starts this way is harmful.
• Compare losses — “I know how you feel because…” Don’t.
• Expect them to host you — they’re not. Bring something with you; don’t expect coffee or food from them.
• Stay too long when visiting — 30 minutes is plenty. Read the room.

The First Month

The first month is often the hardest, but the support from outside has typically dropped dramatically. This is when continued presence matters most.

Do

• Continue regular check-ins — a text every few days. “Thinking of you” with no expected response.
• Keep saying the deceased’s name — when you talk about them, use their name. Don’t avoid the topic out of awkwardness. The bereaved usually wants to talk about their loved one; most people avoid it.
• Invite them out, even if you expect them to decline — they may not be ready, but the invitation matters. “Brunch Sunday. No pressure to come. We’d love to see you.”
• Continue practical help — meals, errands, kids. The early waves typically taper around week 2; you’ll be remembered if you don’t.
• Send a real letter at week 2 or 3 — sharing a specific memory of the deceased
• Acknowledge specific hard moments — the day they go back to work; the first time they have to clear out something; the first weekend alone

Don’t

• Assume they’re “doing better” because they’re functional. They’re often performing.
• Stop asking about the deceased to avoid making them sad. They’re already sad. Acknowledging the loss helps; ignoring it doesn’t.
• Tell them what they should be feeling — “You should be angry” / “You should be at peace by now”
• Suggest grief milestones — there is no normal timeline.
• Forget that other family members are also grieving — siblings, in-laws, friends. They often go without support entirely.

The First Six Months

By six months, most outside support has stopped almost entirely. Many bereaved people describe this period as “everyone else is back to normal and I’m not.” Your continued presence stands out.

Do

• Stay in contact — even if it’s once a month, a text or call signaling continued thought
• Mark important dates — the deceased’s birthday, the death anniversary in months (sometimes the 3-month or 6-month marks are surprisingly hard)
• Continue using the deceased’s name in conversations
• Be patient if they seem withdrawn — grief often goes underground in this period
• Notice signs they may be struggling beyond normal grief — significant weight loss, expressions of hopelessness, neglect of self-care. Encourage professional support if appropriate.

Don’t

• Push for normalcy — “Shouldn’t you be back to yourself by now?”
• Project your timeline on their grief
• Stop reaching out because they don’t reach out first. Bereaved people often don’t have the energy to initiate.
• Treat secondary losses casually — for someone who’s lost their spouse, also losing their dog or moving houses or having other life upheaval compounds grief. Recognize it.

The One-Year Anniversary

This is one of the most important moments for continued support. Almost no one remembers anniversaries except the bereaved. Acknowledging it transforms how they experience that day.

Do

• Mark your calendar the day of the loss. Set a reminder for one year out.
• Reach out on or near the anniversary — a text, call, card, or small gesture
• Use the deceased’s name in your message
• Acknowledge the day directly — “Thinking of you and [Name] today. I know this anniversary is hard. — [Your name]”
• Offer to be present — “I’d love to take you to dinner. Or drop something off. Or just be on the phone. Whatever feels right.”

A simple anniversary text is one of the most meaningful gestures of the entire grief process. The bereaved often describe years later being moved by who remembered.

Don’t

• Pretend the day is normal if you know about it
• Expect them to be “over it” by one year — for many losses, year two is harder than year one
• Send flowers automatically every year unless you’ve discussed it — some bereaved find it helpful, others find it triggering

Major Holidays and Milestones

The first year of grief is marked by a series of “firsts” — first Christmas, first birthday, first Mother’s Day, first Father’s Day. Each can be difficult in unique ways.

Holidays to acknowledge

• The first Christmas/holiday season — particularly hard
• The first Thanksgiving — family-focused, often painful with someone missing
• First Valentine’s Day for the loss of a spouse
• First Mother’s Day / Father’s Day for the loss of a parent (and for parents who lost children)
• First wedding anniversary for the loss of a spouse
• First family birthday without the deceased

A brief acknowledgment on these days — “Thinking of you today. I know this one is hard.” — matters enormously.

When Grief Becomes Complicated

Most grief is painful but moves through the natural process over time. Sometimes it becomes “complicated grief” — a form that doesn’t progress and can lead to serious mental health concerns.

Signs to watch for

• Significant decline lasting beyond 6-12 months — persistent inability to function, severe depression
• Expressions of hopelessness about the future or about their own life
• Substance abuse as a coping mechanism
• Complete withdrawal from previously meaningful activities and relationships
• Inability to accept the death months or years after
• Intrusive guilt or self-blame that interferes with functioning

What to do

• Mention what you’re observing gently and without judgment — “I’ve noticed you seem really stuck. I’m worried about you.”
• Encourage professional grief counseling — therapists who specialize in grief can help enormously
• Continue to be present — professional help complements, doesn’t replace, friend and family support
• Know crisis resources — if you’re concerned about suicide risk, the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline is available 24/7

Supporting Different Grieving Roles

The role someone plays in a loss affects how they grieve and what support they need.

Spouses

• Often face significant practical disruption (finances, housing, decision-making alone)
• Need help with daily logistics for an extended period
• Often experience “loneliness grief” beyond the loss of the partner
• May benefit from support groups (Widowed Persons Service, GriefShare)

Parents who lost a child

• Often experience the most complicated grief
• May feel isolated as a “club no one wants to join”
• Often benefit from peer support groups (Compassionate Friends, Bereaved Parents)
• Need acknowledgment of the child by name, repeatedly, for years

Children who lost a parent

• Process grief differently depending on age
• Need consistent adults who continue to be present
• May not show grief in expected ways — particularly young children
• Benefit from grief support programs designed for their age

Siblings (adult or child)

• Often experience “disenfranchised grief” — under-recognized loss
• Need direct acknowledgment that their loss matters too
• Often feel they need to be “strong” for parents and other family

Friends grieving a friend

• Often unrecognized officially (no bereavement leave)
• Need acknowledgment that friend grief is real grief
• Sometimes lose their support network as it focused on family

A Specific Phrase That Helps

When you don’t know what to say, this phrase almost always lands well:

“I’ve been thinking about you and [Name]. I just wanted you to know.”

That’s it. No advice. No silver linings. No suggestions. Just: I remember, I am thinking of them, I am thinking of you. Send it via text, write it on a card, say it on the phone. Use it on Tuesday afternoons months after the loss. Use it on the anniversary.

This phrase, sent at random unexpected moments, is described by many bereaved people as one of the most meaningful forms of support they receive.

A Final Thought

You will not do this perfectly. You will say wrong things. You will forget important dates. You will be too distant some weeks and too present others. That is fine.

What matters is that you keep showing up. That you don’t disappear when the funeral ends. That you continue to acknowledge the loss, the deceased, and the person grieving — for as long as they need.

Most grief lasts longer than support does. Be the support that lasts.

For more on the immediate days after a death, see our guide on what to do when someone dies. For sympathy gestures, see our complete guide to sending funeral flowers or our sympathy card messages guide.